I can't seem to find the balance I want with work/life/love/repeat.
For whatever reason, I find myself knotted up, frustrated, angry and aggravated. Thoughts of sawing the head off my tormenters only bring me brief moments of glee. I don't think they are the problem. I think the problem must be me.
But I don't want the medicated solution that Zoloft of Prozac provide. Too many friends spin into that state and never return. I don't want to lose my edge. I just want to dull it a bit. I can't seem to not care. I sweat the small stuff. Every small slight offends me. I hold grudges. What the fuck? I need to hook myself up to a pair of jumper cables and drive some voltage through my brain. Maybe it will work. Who knows.
I find the greatest solace in the solitude of spinning wrenches. Everything fits together nicely. Systems mesh at certain points on a motorcycle. If it is greasy, I was it. If it is rusty, I make it shine. If it doesn't work, I try to fix it. Very straightforward and very fun for my simple mind.
Do I bail on the corporate lifestyle and try to find inner peace? I can't afford to right now. I hope it all comes together and I find the balance I want in my life. Logging long miles on a bike for me tends to work best, followed by the required maintenance on road ready rides, or helping get a non runner closer to the street.
I hate this self loathing anger boiling inside me. I don't really hate people. I only hate most people.
