I guess it would help if I stopped being a whiny bitch.

So my latest bemoan fest started with our teenage houseguest coming home stoned again. While I'm not entirely anti-pot, I am against homeless/lazy teenagers toking up and not attending to their lengthy to do list. Jon is looking at $9000 of dental work and needs to get his drivers liscense. While I should be happy he is a good kid, his laziness sends me into a rage.

Add a nagging/clinging/passive agrressive girlfriend into the mix and my evening was shot. I try not to go to bed angry, but when I suggested she return $300 worth of clothes she purchased for me, the water works kicked in and between sobs I was able to catch "ungrateful" and "digusting." While I dig my lady when it is all good, it can't seem to get any worse. Aside from the obvious side effects of having a pseudo live in better half, my libido has waned. I'm a bit of a heavy breather usually but lately I have shirked my manly duties primarily due to the reasonable proximity required to my girlfriend. I can't "phone it in." I have to be present.

I now have more gray hair than brown hair, although both colors have mutinied and jump ship towards the shower drain each morning. I want to be happy, but I am anything but. What the fock is wrong with me? I can't seem to shake this vicious string of tattered love affairs that end up badly, with no winners, no smiles, no walks down the aisle... Fock.

So while I weave in and out of game face (work) and hate (life) modes, it manage to only be mostly irritating in a morning meeting. After trying to be diplomatic in making suggestions to the woman who has the "tough job" of shopping for things we need, I almost lost it. Each week I get to sit through discussions and segways into tangents of uber irrelevance. I know it is important to get a new tent. Does it really take 5 weeks to price it out? Can't you just call someone and have it delivered? WTF? Again, I need to take the higher road but want to go postal. Why am I still here? If I really hate it, why don't I stop whining.

Then when I bail to grab comfort food at lunch, I stock up on the biggies. Hot mac and cheese from the deli? Check. BBQ pork and spicy hot mustard? Check. I need some MSG and toxic cheese quickly or I am going to the gun shop. Whether I point it at someone (never, but it crossed my mind) or myself (all too often...) I can only guess, but the cold steel barrell of Granpa's old Colt might just be the prescription for what ails me...

So while I'm contemplating my killing spree and subsequent standoff in the candy aisle (Take 5 takedown at Top Foods! Film at 11!) I watch a dad and his daughter getting rung up ahead of me in line. He forks over his W.I.C. (public assistance) coupon for his groceries and a small pile of cash. He is still short. He is about $5.00 shy and removes the gallon of orange juice from the bag. The clerk handles this in the coolest way, not letting this gentleman be embarrassed in front of his daughter, dressed like a princess fairy halloween debutante.

He scans the others in line for any type of reaction, but everyone is suddenly interested in other things. "Lose ten pounds fast," "Angelina leaves Brad." Anything to occupy the void of having to show empathy, compassion, sympathy, scorn or regret.

I look over at him and his eyes look hurt and forlorn. His next W.I.C. voucher is a week and a half out. I give him a reaffirming nod and he smiles at the clerk. He scoops up his groceries and his daughter follows him out. I remember what it means to be broke, but it has been a while since I have tasted the despair, frustration and empty feeling of being at ground zero.

The clerk smiled at me and reaches for my comfort snacks. I managed to blow $16 on junk food to make myself feel better, when all I really needed was a quick dose of perspective. I have nothing to complain about. I have nothing to complain about. I have nothing to complain about.

I know it. You know it. Some days are just brutal, though. I can't shake this feeling and I regret bitching about it. Tomorrow, they say, will be a better day. I certainly hope so. For everyone.